Not Bridget Jones

Take this boss and shove him

2006-11-05T22:38:00.000-05:00

My supervisor is driving me crazy.

-He called in sick on my two days off, forcing me to work.
-The next day, he told one of my supervisees "I should have called Not Bridget and told her I was throwing up so I could go home."
-He is between 30 and 60 minutes late every day.
-He doesn't check our voicemail on my days off; so I have to deal with three days worth of voicemails after my weekend.
-We are supposed to back up our system every day. He never does. I always do. It take about 90 seconds to perform.
-On Saturday, during our busiest part of the day, he disappeared for 20 minutes.
-On Saturday, he asked to borrow $250. Let me point out-he makes more than I.

So, I had to vent. My plan is to just do my job really well. Eventually, his house of cards will collapse, and I will be left looking fine!

Dispair

2006-11-03T11:24:00.000-05:00

Wednesday was a very hard day.

It was supposed to be my day off. The day before, my supervisor called in sick, and I had to go in. He called me Wednesday at 10 to tell me that he was going to work, and then at 11:30 to tell me he was not.

I was not in the mindset to go to work.

I jumped in the shower-and started to panic.

The shower is a terrible place to panic. I felt dizzy, lightheasdy and unsteady on my feet. Add to this a slippery wet surface, being nude and vulnerable....it was bad. In therapy, I am supposed to rate my anxiety/panic on a scal of 0-10. I called this an 8.

I got out of the shower and laid down. I couldn't calm down at all. I took an ativan, and I called The Ex-Boyfriend.
I felt an overwhelming send of dispair. Not just at the present moment of panicking, but overall. I felt like I simply could not go to work, yet, I felt like I had no choice. Moreover, I felt like I just couldn't keep doing it. It was all too much, facing my anxiety in every thing I do-going to work, doing laundry, going to the bank, to the CVS, everything. I just wanted to give up-crawl under the covers and resolve myself to being housebound.

I eventually made it to work, and the day went find, but I still have some residual feeling that everything is too hard, too much of a struggle. I just want to be normal.

Returning to the scene of the crime...

2006-10-23T17:49:00.000-05:00

Or, um, the scene of the panic attack.

I had a major attack in CVS back in June.

Today was the first day I was able to go in by myself.

I survived!

How do you mend a broken heart?

2006-10-18T13:42:00.000-05:00

When the person who broke your heart is still around?

Before I go any further, this is not a creepy stalking issue, so calm down!

He calls me every day. He tells me he loves me. He tells me that I'm the only one he wants. Today he expressed a desire for "quality time." He suggested theater or a museum. He asked what I wanted for Christmas.

And I just don't know. There are specific areas of our relationship that I was very unhappy with (like....posting a personal ad!). I want him to take responsibility for the actions, not to give me an excuse and the phrase "I'm flawed." That's not enough. None of it is.

I'm willing to give the friendship a chance, but anything more? It's not what I want. Not with these conditions. If he were to change, if we were to change, then maybe. But not right now.

Even more interesting....

2006-10-13T21:38:00.000-05:00

After I posted this I visited by that same IP address. Tried again, and was able to get onto this website.

But today I can't.

So, I'm really not sure....

Interesting

2006-10-11T12:27:00.000-05:00

Since I made this post, I've not been able to get onto this website. I get a "Cannot find server or DNS Error" message.

I do know that my post was visited by someone from that domain name, and found my post from a blogsearch for references to that website.

Is it possible that they have blocked my IP address? Or is it a simple coincidence?

I have been able to visit that site from another computer, so it does make me wonder.....

Aftermath

2006-10-10T11:49:00.000-05:00

He cancelled his ad.

We broke up anyway.

He said that he only wanted to make friends, that he wasn't going behind my back. But, he was too defensive. I can't trust him anymore.

The breakup was mutual, sort of. He told me that he felt alone and needed to be alone, but that I am still his "best friend."

I told him that we were beyond that. That I didn't know if I wanted him in my life, in any capacity. If he wants me to remain in his life. he needs to give me a reason. He needs to rebuild my trust and faith. I don't know how, of if that can happen.

What I really want is for him to be a different person, and I know that's not possible. I want him to be the person I though he was, or the person I wanted him to be. Someone I could trust, someone I believed in, some one who would be there for me.

I do understand him, and I do understand where the lies and deception came from. He has a problem with depression and self-esteem. This doesn't give him a free pass, though.

He seems to think that if he is alone for awhile and deals with his problems, then we can have a better relationship. I however, don't believe that he will deal with his problems.

I know I'm better off without a person I can't trust. But I still miss what I thought we had. I feel a loss for what we won't have in the future. I know that I'm better off being strong for myself.

But it still sucks.

Another Dream

2006-10-06T10:06:00.000-05:00

I had a dream last night. I was out at a bar with friends.

I feel hopeful about the future.

Today's Highlight

2006-10-05T20:12:00.000-05:00

Was going to the coffee shop next door and buying a chocolate croissant. Yay me!

New Pills!

2006-10-04T17:22:00.000-05:00

Went to my real psychiatrist today.

I'm starting on Zoloft next week. Wish me luck!

Terrorism Begins at Home

2006-10-03T17:05:00.000-05:00

October 2, 2006

September 29, 2006

September 27, 2006

August 24, 2006

March 21, 2005

September 24, 2003

March 22, 2001

March 5, 2001

May 26, 2000

April 20, 1999

May 21, 1998

December 1, 1997

October 1, 1997

This is not a comprehensive list.

What would you do?

2006-10-03T11:20:00.000-05:00

This is hard. This post is about things I don't want to admit.

The Boyfriend has betrayed me. He has lied to me. And what makes me crazy is that I don't know to what extent.

I have discovered that he put a posting here. His posting states twice, including once in caps, that he is "SINGLE," and that he is looking for women for a short or long-term relationship.

What does that make me?

How did I discover this? Was I browsing personal ads for my own nevarious reasons, or trying to catch him? No. On Friday, he asked me to send an email from his account. So, I logged in, and saw that he had several messages from Nerve.com members.

This happened before. He promised it would never happen again. But it has.

Saturday morning he called me before I went to work. I think he knew I was going to ask him, because each time I started to talk, he would break in with some inane conversation. Finally I broke through and confronted him. He told me that he was just trying to make friends. Why was the posting worded as such then? He couldn't really answer. I explained how it made me feel-distrustful, betrayed, used, deceived, humiliated. After a very good conversation (no yelling, crying, or anger) he said he would contact all the women he had corresponded with, tell them he was involved with someone, and cancel the account.

He still hasn't. It is still there for me and the rest of the world to see.

I checked again yesterday. It was still there, and I spun into a panic attack. I had the attack for several reasons. Because he hadn't taken it down yet, which speaks of unsincerity in his promise to stop. And, because I don't know what exactly is going on. I don't know how many women he's corresponded with. I don't know what they've said. I don't know if they've exchanged real email addresses or phone numbers. I don't know if they've met, or plan to meet. I have nothing to go on but his word, which is no good to me anymore. And, becasue he knew how deeply hurt I was, and knew that he could start to rectify my injury by removing his posting, and he didn't. That led me to believe that he just doesn't care.

Porbably the least mature thing I've done during this whole episode was when I told him on the phone that I was having a panic attack, and what triggered it. The truth is, I wanted him to know how his actions affect me.

I guess he felt bad, becasue he called me about 8 times yesterday to see how I was. The last time we spoke was after I got home from work. He told me that he loved me more than he has ever loved anybody, and that he cannot imagine his life without me. And you know what? Those words just left me cold. They don't mean anything, based on his actions.

I did send him an email, with these thoughts, and more (c'mon I can't tell you everything). He will read it tonight when he gets home from work, and respond in some way. I told him it was there. This is how I concluded it:

"My trust in you is broken. I don't know how, or even if you can get it back. I do know that your words "I love you so much" "I can't imagine life without you" "you're the best thing that ever happened to me" are meaningless without actions to back them up. You should think long and hard about those phrases. If you really mean them, then you need to find a way to rebuild my trust. I don't know what that is, because only you fully know how it's been taken away. You really are very close to losing me forever, if you don't do something about it very soon. I'm not breaking up with you, but I am telling you that you are at a crossroads. Choose to show me that you love me, and are worthy of my trust and love, or walk away from me forever. "

So, what would you do?

I know what I would say if a friend came to me with this story. "He's an asshole. You deserve so much better. Cut him loose."

But life is more complicated than that, isn't it? We've been dating for almost four years. That's a long time to realize it was all a lie. I guess my hope is somehow finding that it wasn't. That it was real. What would you do?

Flies?

2006-09-27T21:15:00.000-05:00

Whatever happened to "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar?"

I had two very different patron experiences today.

First: a subscriber who had cancelled her ticket after the performance had passed, meaning that we could not resell her seat. When subscribers do that, they are able to exchange into a new performance for $3.00. Yes, $3.00. In essence, that is getting a ticket for professional theater, a ticket that retails for forty or fifty dollars, for three. Not bad. So, she picked up her ticket, made a face at the three dollar fee, but handed me her credit card and moved on. She came back, pushed a college kid out of the way as he was paying for his student rush ticket, and said "I'm a subscriber, I need you to deal with me before you sell student rush tickets." I told her that I was finishing a transaction with this party, and she needed to get in line, and I would be happy to help her when her turn was up. Because, if you push somebody in line, I am under no obligation to give you priority.
So, when it was her turn: first she did not like her seat. As I was trying to tell her that I would be happy to move her, she interrupted and started in on the $3.00. I showed her a copy of the exchange policy. She denied ever seeing it, even after I pointed out that it was included in every subscription package. She then said that she knew she did not cancel her ticket on the same day, but that she did it in advance. Well, folks, computers don't lie. It was there: ticket for the 17th, exchanged on the 17th. I did not waive the fee. I did give her a different seat, only because her friend had the sense to be embarrassed.

Second experience: A young couple came to the window right after the house had closed. He had his invoice. He had ordered tickets online from a discount seller. Trouble was, he had ordered tickets for last Sunday. I pointed this out. He looked stricken. He asked if he could still buy tickets. I said we still had empty seats, and as the house had closed they weren't being sold anyway, so I would just have the house manager take them in.

The moral is: a little bit of good manners will get you much further than acting pushy and entitled.

Disgruntled Patrons

2006-09-26T15:22:00.000-05:00

My theater company is doing a pretty controversial play right now. It is probably the best play I've ever read. I will admit, hard to watch, but it is very good.
Many people are offended by it. The best repsonse so far was "what is this, Of Mice and Men meets Kafka?"

It is really hard not to laugh sometimes, but somehow I knew if I did, it would just make the situation worse.

Issues with the Mental Health Care System

2006-09-23T10:35:00.000-05:00

There are some serious problems with our health care system, as relates to mental health.

Case in point one:
My boyfriend had a very good friend. I never met her, but knew of her through him. She was incredibly intelligent and driven, well-educated. She also had bi-polar disorder. Because she did not have health insurance, she was not able to afford the medication that would have controlled it. On May 31, she killed herself.

My recent trials:
My anxiety slowly rose during the late spring, and then, at the end of June I had a 10 out of 10 panic attack. After that my anxiety kept rising. Finally, in mid-July, I left work early, then called in sick the next two days. I knew that I was relasping into Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia. I also knew that I needed help. Immediately. My mother said she would come down the next day, and bring me to the doctor.

Now, I did not health insurance. I would start my health insurance on August 1st, but I couldn't wait. I needed help then.
So, I called the local community health center. Community health centers are for those who cannot afford health insurance. I was told that I needed to do an intake process, which mainly consisted of verifying income. I could get an intake appoint in about two weeks. After the intake, I would be able to start seeing a doctor or counselor in two weeks. Basically, I could get help in a month. "What if I need help now? What should I do?" They told me to go to the emergency room.

By the time my mother got to my apartment that day, my anxiety and panic was so bad that I was visibly shaking. The first thing she did was give me half an Ativan-equal to .25 mg. Ativan is an "as needed" anti-anxiety drug. It helps alleviate the physical symptoms of a panic attack. The last time I had a round of treatment for Panic Disorder, this was one of the drugs I was precribed. Of course, I am afraid of drugs, so was very reluctant to take it.

So, I took the Ativan ,which did help. Then we worked on a plan. I needed two things: some short term treatment so i could go back to work on Monday, and a long-term treatment plan.

It seemed like getting a precription for Ativan would be a good short-term fix, and getting into therapy was a good long term plan. Now, where to go? The health center told me to go to the emergency room, so we decided to go to the hospital nearest to me.

When we first got there, the intake nurse was wonderful. Kind, sypathetic, understanding. They pulled me out of the waiting area very quickly, assuming that I would be more comfortable in a bed. I then waited a really long time for a consultation with an MD. She did a pretty basic workup, listening to my heart, etc., then told me that the psychaitrist on duty would come see me.

Finally, that doctor came in and introduced herself as the psychiatrist on duty. She asked me a bunch of questions-clearly a basic screening for suicide and psychosis. Then she asked me to explain why I was there. I explained my history of Panic Disorder, and told hger that I had started having panic attacks again, and that I had missed the last two days of work, and that I felt that I was becoming Agoraphobic again and that I had to get back to work on Monday.
She said: "Agoraphobic? What's that? I don't know what that means."

Uh-oh.

I explained.

I said that I wanted to accomplish two things: get an "as needed" so that I could get to work on Monday, and get into therapy.
She left, and said she would be back soon.

She came back and first said: "I don't think you need to be hosptialized." What?????? Of course I don't need to be hospitalized!
She told me that, since I did not have health insurance, I would be able to get free therapy at the hospital's mental health center. Well, that's good. Then she gave me a precription. For Prozac, starting at 20 mg daily.
Now, SSRI's such as Prozac can be of great help for anxiety and panic disorders. However, they a.) take at least a few weeks to start working and b.) need to be started at extremely low doses, as a too high dose can actually cause more anxiety and trigger even worse panic attacks. High doses-such as 20 mg. I expressed my concern about this, and she said "No, this is the dose you should start on." I then asked her about an as needed, and she said, "we don't like to prescribe those." I asked her how I was supposed to go to work on Monday. She said, if you take your first dose of Prozac on Sunday, you will feel better by Monday morning.

This is a flat out lie.

From WebMD: "It may take 4 weeks or longer before the full benefit of this drug takes effect. Inform your doctor if your condition persists or worsens."

From Prozac.com: "The first several weeks are the toughest because many (but not all) people are getting used to antidepressant medication and suffering the symptoms of depression at the same time. Until the patient feels the full effects of the antidepressant (this usually takes 4 or more weeks), even mild and temporary side effects may cause them to feel discouraged and stop taking their medication."

From MedlinePlus: It may take 4 to 5 weeks or longer before you feel the full benefit of fluoxetine.

Any medical professional should know better than to claim that one dose will make you feel better.

After crying and making a fuss, I left with a script for Ativan as well. I did not take the Prozac.

On Monday, I called the mental health clinic, and explained my trip to the ER, and that they said I could get free care.
I was told that they never offer free care. If I wanted, I could pay out of pocket. I would need to start with an intake appointment. That would be $500. She also asked if I was taking the Prozac. I explained that I wished to be under consistant care beofre taking it, since i felt that the dosage was too high, and that I was concerned about the side effects of more panic and anxiety at that dosage level. I was told that if I did not take my medication, they wouldn't see me.

At this point, I was really skeptical about the whole experience. I looked up the psychiatrist from the emergency room. She's not a psychaitrist. She's an internist.

So, in seeking help, this hospital staff:

-misrepresented their qualifications
-lied about the availibilty of continuing care
-prescribed a drug at an inappropriate dosage*
-lied about the action of the drug

What does this say about our health care system? I had the support of my family, and enough knowledge of my disorder to know that what was offered to me as care was dubious at best. What if a person with a mental illness sought help and was lied to and did not have the resources to seek alternatives?

*I have since been told my my psychologist who specializes in anxiety disorders; my psychiatrist who specializes in anxiety disorders; and the BU Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders, one of the most well-respected research faclities for anxiety in the country, that had I taken the Prozac at that dose, I most likely would have ended up in the ER with uncontrollable panic.

Observation

2006-09-23T10:15:00.000-05:00

For months, every work day. I've woken up with a feeling of dread.

I noticed this morning that I did not feel this. I'm not sure when it stopped happening, but I definitely noticed it today!

No Promises

2006-09-22T20:45:00.000-05:00

But I am going to try posting more again. It seems like it might be therapeutic. I really hit rock bottom at the end of July....the worst time was when I didn't even want to leave my bedroom for the kitchen. So, I guess I'm making progress!

I've been considering August 1 day one. That was the day that I went back to my full time job, this time with a 52 week contract. I've taken two sick days so far, but because I was genuinely sick-I'll spare the nasty details. The only time I've left early was for a doctor's appointment. I haven't been panicking at work, and I am going to therapy once a week.

Blogging again is for selfish reasons-it may help me see that I am making progress. Sometimes I feel as if I am banging my head against a wall.

Okay....

2006-07-31T13:10:00.000-05:00

So, my loyal reader(s) want(s) to know why I haven't been posting....

Work was really really busy for awhile.

And then the anxiety/panic got worse.

Such Dreams

2006-04-25T15:39:00.000-05:00

I had a dream last night that I ran the Boston Marathon, wearing a t-shirt that said "I quit!" Figure that one out.

God bless single parents

2006-04-17T10:16:00.000-05:00

I have a friend....let's call her Anna.

She was my co-wroker until a month or so ago...she's the one whose position I took over when she left. Anna has two kids; a boy, 5, and a girl, 3. She dicroced the kids father, and he a drug addict who is in and out of jail. Her current boyfriend broke up with her a few weeks ago. Life is a struggle for her. Thursday was her birthday.

So my boss and I decided to take her out. There is a musical she really wanted to see, and tickets are hard to get and expensive. We were able to get tix, but, only a pair. So, we modified the plan. We told her that she and the kids were invited to my place for lunch. We got Chinese (her favorite!) and had cake. Then she opened the card, and saw the tix. We told her that she was going with Bossman and that the kids would stay with me.

Now, let me say: her kids are good. no temper tantrums or destroying anything. But, they are kids. High energy, lots of curiosity. And, of course, there are two of them. We had fun playing living room soccer and watching the Powerpuff Girls, but I have an all new respect for Anna. When you have two kids on your hands, you can't be selfish. Your world revolves around them. Of course, there are benefits, like having the little one curl up with me and go to sleep, or the 'big boy' tell me that I'm cool. But to do it full-time, with no help...I can't imagine. I'm so gald that I watched the kids let Anna have a night on the toen seeign the show she was dying to see. She deserves it more than anyone I know.

The Day After....

2006-04-13T08:22:00.000-05:00

The panic attack...

Went surprisingly well. I spent the night out with my boss (no, not like that! He's gay!!!) And it was fine. No panic attacks. I guess the key is to let it pass and to keep on going on.

Damn, Damn, Damn

2006-04-11T20:17:00.000-05:00

I had a panic attack at work today.

The past comes back to haunt....

2006-04-09T14:27:00.000-05:00

10 years ago, I had a roommate. (Well, more than one, but this story is about a particular roommate...) Now's the time when I need to find an appropriate pseudonym for him; so, let's call him Joseph.

When we became roommates, I was 20; he has 23. That was also when we started sleeping together. We were the best of friends; and the best of lovers. It was definately with him that I had my sexual awakening. All women have it; when you really become aware of yourself sexually. But, we were dating; we were a unique version of FWB; we were roommates with benefits. We kept it a secret; and we were not romantically attached. And it broke my heart in a million pieces.

Even after we stopped being roommates, the affair lasted for almost four years. Then I moved to Boston and got married; and he moved to New York and found his place in the world. Somehow, despite the the pain we had caused each other, our friendship always remained strong. After my husband and I split up, he took me away for a weekend; to a mutual friend's destination wedding, paid for my room there, everything. I met his most rescent girlfiend, he's met my boyfriend. We talk every few months, and whenever I'm in New York, we get a drink have dinner...all as old, old, friends. But it's all very casual. We never make specific trips to see each other.

He called me yesterday. First he told me that he had broken up with his girlfirend and moved out. This is a good thing, she wanted different things out of life than he. Then he invited me to come to the city for three separate and specific occasions: to see his band play, to go to a party, and to an event at the business he owns.

So, am I reading too much into this, or does it sound like he wants to warm up the soup?

Drumroll please!

2006-04-06T07:50:00.000-05:00

I have brought up to date major events of the past few months. Regular blogging shall soon commence!

What a way to make a living...

2006-04-03T17:46:00.000-05:00

One of my co-workers (at the not film job) left. In order to properly tell this story, I need to make another reveal. That job is at a professional theater company. I am a sort of jack-of-all trades there, working mainly in the box office during shows (hence the on three weekd off three weeks schedule), but I also do other jobs-things that don't fit into other job descriptions or nobody else has time for.
So, as I said, a co-worker left. She was the house manager. We figured out a way to handle the rest of the season: I would take over her administrative duties, and we would hire part-time house managers.
The part timers just aren't working. So, I am now their supervisor, and house managing some of the shows myself. And I am on salary. And I am working 40 hours a week. I'm not sure what to think about that. The security is nice, but what about my freedom?

That job will be the death of you....

2006-04-03T09:18:00.000-05:00

Quick backstory....
My mother has been teaching in the same school for over twenty years. Last year, her department hired a new teacher, a black man, the only teacher of color in the chool (if not the entire school system).
In January a student accused him of "improper conduct." Without due process, he was fired. Without going into the entire story (after all, this is my blog, not my mother's), the is great reason to believe that the accusations were false. It is not hard to draw the conclusion that racism was at the root of his dismissal. But that's not what this story is about...

This situation caused my mother a great deal of stress. Not only becasue the firing was unjust, but because it has sent the message that any student can simply make an accusation against a teacher, and that teacher will be fired.

So, one Monday night back in February, my mother called me and said, "you'll never guess what happened today."

After two class periods, her vision got 'funny.' She went to the nurse, who took her blood pressure, then called an ambulence. She spent most of the day at the hospital. My stepfather and aunt went to the hospital with her, and she forbade them to call me at work becasue she "didn't want me to worry."

She got the rest of the month off. She started exercising, cut down smoking (from two packs to five smokes a day), and started eating better.

Her first day back, the same thing happened.

She finally was able to go back to work last week. But it is time to come up with a new plan. That job is killing her.

Our New Neighbor

2006-04-02T20:44:00.000-05:00

At first, the rumor was that the fire was an electrical problem in the laundry room. Then we got a memo from the building manager.

The fire was set by a homeless man who had been living in a storage area near the laundry room. His home was fire damaged. So he moved...to the storage room next to our apartment.

We didn't realize it until the police came around, and told us to call if we saw him.

The first time, my roommate actually had to open the door to the crwal space himself. The cops didn't want to. This went on for several weeks. Finally, he left for good.

We felt bad, after all, we all have a certain sympathy for the plight of the homeless. But, at the end of the day, we didn't want him burning down our house.

FIRE!

2006-04-02T19:17:00.000-05:00

Back in January.....

A Thursday evening....

The boyfriend was over. We were in the middle of being intimate, in a rather spectacular, this-is-the-best-ever sort of way.

Then I heard sirens. And saw flashing lights through the window. And heard the fire alarm in my building.

"It's probably nothing," I said. "But maybe we should check it out."

So, we got dressed. The boy got his bag together, thinking that maybe it was time for him to go anyway. I went pee. Finally, I opened the door out of the apartment. And immediately slammed it shut. The hallway was full of smoke.

Calmly, I said "ohmygoditsarealfireweneedtogetthecatandgetoutofherenow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The cat was so good about getting into the cat carrier. We went out the back door, which leads to my private patio area. There is another door out of there, then a corridor, and a final metal door leading out to the alley.

The metal door to the alley was jammed. I knew we would die.

The boyfriend took over. Thr smoke dispersed somewhat, and we went out to the alley through the other back door to the alley. Then we went to the side street near my buidling and checked things out. We decided to get something to eat. He wanted to go to Uno's, but I didn't think we could get away with the cat there. So we went to the crappy pizza shop instead. It was the right choice.

I put the cat carrier down at a table, on the bench seat, and we went to the counter to order. I got a tuna grinder, figuring I could share it with my cat.

We went back to the table. The carrier was there, but the cat was gone.

So, I had to expalin to the pizza guys that my building was on fire, so we evacuated the cat to the pizza shop, and she had gotten out, and could I please look around for her.

After about ten minutes, I found her in the basement storeroom, under a shelf. She was good though, she came right out for me. We ate our food, and went home, at which point we were able to go back in and try to recreate the sex we were having at the beginning of the story.

What caused the fire? That's a story for another day.

I know...

2006-03-31T20:05:00.000-05:00

I haven't been keeping up. I'll be better, really....
It's just that time goes by, and I feel sheepish about not posting, and it makes it harder to post. So, a small series about what's been happening is forthcoming.

Jiggity-jig

2006-01-10T19:40:00.000-05:00

I'm home again.

The anxiety I had about going away was completely unfounded. Much as when I was in New York, I had no anxiety the whole time I was there--only this time "there" was a tiny one horse town.

It's easy for me to figure out. I am very good at what I do. When I am on set, I feel very competent. Of course, I also work very hard, and am too busy to fret the way I do in my non-filmic life. The key must be to get to the point when I am 100% freelance. Let's hope that this is the year!

Just a quick one...

2006-01-01T23:34:00.000-05:00

Holiday madness did get the best of me..at least in regards to the blog.

I am leaving tomorrow for a new film project. I'm not scared exactly, but a little reluctant to leave. This is the first time that I will be on an "overnight" without a trusted person. I am just afraid that I will be homesick!

Full Week...

2005-12-15T17:47:00.000-05:00

It's been a pretty full week.

The best part is--I took the bus to work on Tuesday!!! It made me feel very competent all day. I didn't quite get on the bus on Wednesday-I went to the bus stop, but time slipped away and I knew I would be late if I didn't take a cab, so....

I think I can keep taking the bus. And, I have a new knitting project to keep me busy on the rides.

Life is funny sometimes

2005-12-10T18:07:00.000-05:00

Right after I posted, I got a call from the BF. He decided not to go to New York tonight. The X tix are all gone, but sometimes it's just enough to know.

Disappointment...

2005-12-10T15:16:00.000-05:00

X is playing in Boston tonight. X is my favorite band. I've been waiting for months. I'm not going.

The original plan was that two people were going to go with me: my best friend, and my boyfriend.

At the beginning of the week, my friend sent me an email-she was way to stressed with her schoolwork to consider a weekend trip to see the band. Then my boyfriend told me that his favorite band plays in New York tonight, so he'd be heading out for that.

I just can't go by myself. And I'm terribly disappointed. I feel let down by my boyfriend, and I feel frustrated that I am not the person who can go to a rock show alone.

What I would really like? For the boyfriend to plan a special date for me--not because he is responsible for me going or not going to the show, but to show that he understands my disappointment, and wants to make me feel special. But how to express that to him, without him getting mad at me for making him feel guilty? I just don't know.

Being Agoraphobic in New England Winter...

2005-12-07T20:00:00.000-05:00

...is like being an alcoholic at Mardi Gras.

I went back to work today. I took cabs both way, but I think it's because it was so cold I would have died of exposure at the bus stop. I was able to sit through a long painful meeting today without getting anxious. I usually am very anxious in meetings--my thought process is "what if I have a panic attack? I can't have a panic attack in here, I won't be able to leave." Then, of course, I am incredibly anxious and fidgety the whole time. So, overall, I am pleased with my day. I did take my 4-minute walk. The walking is definitely easier...but it's so damn cold!

I'm a.......

2005-12-06T15:32:00.000-05:00

I wore the shirt today. On my walk, I went past a bar/restaurant with speakers outside. They were playing "Brickhouse." I was wearing my big winter jacket, so I guess it was just a coincidence.

Four Minutes!

2005-12-05T13:48:00.000-05:00

I had a great walk today!

Yesterday I moved up to four minutes. I wasn't cheating yesterday, but it was snowing out, and so I did walk more slowly than normal, figuring it would not help my progress to fall on my ass.* So, I only made it to the near corner.

Today was not snowing, so I crossed the street, and went to the Metro box. Journalistically, it's terrible, but I have recently become addicted to Sudoko, and they do print a daily puzzle.

On my way back, I met my mailman. It kind of makes me feel as if I live on Sesame Street. We were crossing the street in opposite directions, and as we met in the middle of the intersection, he gave me a high-five. He was just being friendly, but as I had made a good amount of progress, I felt like I really deserved the high-five. I am actually looking forward to tomorrow's walk.

*I tend to fall on my ass alot in the winter.

The Smartest Girl in the Apartment

2005-12-04T15:34:00.000-05:00

It's me!

We got new internet and phone yesterday. It seemed at first that the router wasn't compatible with the new system. My roommate tried to get it all up and running...and failed.

So, who figured out how to reconfigure the router to the new IP address, and who downloaded the upgrade to the router, and made sure that all the roommates were on the network?

That's right! Me!!

Breathing: Phase 1

2005-12-02T20:23:00.000-05:00

I am working on my Diaphragmatic Breathing Exercises. The first step is to breath with your diaphragm, through your nose, on your stomach. I started yesterday, and worked on it today too. (No, I was not lying on my stomach that whole time).
It was awful at first. I felt like I couldn't get enough air, and I would get dizzy. It's quite surreal to feel dizzy while lying down. I consulted my book, and it said that this is a common reaction for chronic hyperventilators. So, I kept trying.
I had a eureka moment this evening. It worked! I actually felt better while doing the breathing, and afterwards, I felt refreshed, as if I had taken a nap or a hot shower. It works!

A little nervous...

2005-12-02T14:29:00.000-05:00

I got back from my walk a little bit ago. I am still on three minutes, but since I didn't "cheat," but walked briskly, I made it up to the street I need to cross to get to my bus stop. Yesterday I kept walking, and crossed that street to get to the mailbox. I had no reason to cross today, but I walked so briskly that had the light been right, I would have crossed before my alarm went off.
I ended up standing at the corner watching traffic until my alarm went off and it was time to turn around and go home. Waiting is harder for me that the walking, so I was a little fidgety at the corner. I started thinking about Sunday, when I will up my walk to 4 minutes. I started getting nervous about walking to the other side of the street and being at the bus stop.

I need to remind myself that it's okay, and that I can make it to the bus stop. I also need to make sure I don't fall into the trap of worrying so much about those four minutes that I let it ruin the next two days.

Every breath I take...

2005-12-01T19:59:00.000-05:00

I took the "overbreathing test." The idea is to induce hyperventilation, then to determine if the feelings when hyperventilating mimic the feelings of a panic attack.

Mine did. This means that I am a chronic hyperventilator. It makes a lot of sense--chronic hyperventilation can cause dizziness, light-headedness, rapid pulse, tingling and numbness--all the physical feelings of a panic attack. The hyperventilating can casue panick attacks, and vice versa. CH occurs when one does nor breath "correctly." This makes sense--I've always tended to be a mouth breather--I always had sinus problems as a kid.

So, my next step? Learning diaphragmatic breathing.

Today's Walk

2005-12-01T15:14:00.000-05:00

Today's walk was very successful!

I noticed yesterday that I was cheating a bit-the farther away from home I got, the slower I walked, waiting for my alarm to go off. So, today, I walked at normal, brisk pace...and when my alarm went off, I walked a little farther before turning back! My goal was to put the Netflix returns in the mailbox-which is right next to my bus stop. So, I can go to my bus stop.

I am getting ready to do the "overbreathing test" from my book. Stay posted for the results.

I never thought I'd ......

2005-12-01T12:10:00.000-05:00

read a self-help book. Unless it was, you know, to make fun of it.

I started reading An End to Panic yesterday. It seems pretty straightforward so far. I like a scientific approach, rather than bunnies and happy thoughts. It is a "plan," with exercises to complete. The exercise I will be working on today is making myself hyperventilate. I just need to find a paper bag!

No BJ? No Way!

2005-11-30T20:46:00.000-05:00

I've found a new blog that I really like. Brainhell is touching precisely because he's not an overly sweet, schlocky made for TV movie...just an honest smart guy. He was gracious enough to link to my blog. Funny that he put the link up as "No BJ." Guess it goes to show that we never really know everything about our internet friends!

Duck and Cover

2005-11-30T17:32:00.000-05:00

When my mother was in elementary school, they would have duck and cover drills, getting under their desks in classroom, in preparation for nuclear attack.

My mother is a high school teacher now. Today they had a "Code Gray" drill---locking down all classrooms in preparation for a Columbine-style student attack.

Has anything really changed in forty years?

Habits can be broken...can't they?

2005-11-30T14:03:00.000-05:00

I divide my behavior into two basic categories: normal and agoraphobic. I believe quite firmly that both behavior patterns are habits. My goal is to get into the habit of being normal, and to quit my agoraphobic habits.

When I got back from New York, the first week of October, I was in the habit of normalcy. I took the bus to work everyday. I take transfer buses to get to work. I walked faster, there was, I daresay, a spring in my step. Then, one afternoon at work, my stomach was really bothering me. I took a cab home. The next day, I took the bus to work like normal, but my stomach was really bothering me--the "please don't let me throw up on the bus" kind of bothering me. When I got off the bus at work, I was waiting to cross the street, and started to feel really dizzy. Now, whether this was due to having a stomach bug or anxiety, I'm not sure. But, the next day, I took a cab to work. Habit broken.

I've only taken the bus to work twice since then. I tried to convince myself that the next day I would wake up, cured, and be able to take the bus in. It doesn't work that way. I need to get there.

So, I am working on a new habit. Everyday, I take a little walk towards the bus stop. What I do is this: set the alarm on my cell phone, and when it goes off, I turn around and go back home. Once a week, I add a minute to my walking time. I am at three minutes. It doesn't sound like much, but for me, it is great. Three minutes takes me to the door of my ATM machine. That means that if I do need to take a cab somewhere, I can get the money for it.

Happily, I have some time off from work. My job is somewhat unique. Three weeks on, three weeks off (though I do seem to end up working for them in the off weeks too). I had all last week off, and I go back for some odd-job type stuff a week from today, then get back into the real work the following Sunday. This is giving me some time to concentrate on "getting better." Also, since I don't have to go anywhere, I can save money that I would otherwise be spending on cabs. It's nice to have downtime.

Information wanted....

2005-11-30T00:14:00.000-05:00

I've discovered a fabulous feature on Tracksy. Not only can I count how many visitors I get, I can also find out how they got here. And, it seems while I was on blog-hiatus, there was a link to my blog on both San Francisco and Honolulu Craigslist Rants and Raves. Alas, the posting has expired. Soooooo, if any of you came here by way of that posting, I'd like to know what it said. Giving the nature of "Rants and Raves," I think I can guess.....

Enough's Enough

2005-11-29T23:25:00.000-05:00

Changing topics again....

I had a dream a week or two ago. In my dream, I got involved in the anti-war movement, and was a supporter of Gold Star Families for Peace.
In my dream, I came up with a simple, yet in my mind, brilliant anti-war slogan. I made T-shirts and distributed them to GSFP members. I could not wait to wake up and get started.
But, then I did wake up, and realized that the world was not ready for my statement. The phrase....................

My son was killed in Iraq, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

I guess some ideas are just ahead of their time.

The Greatest City on Earth....

2005-11-29T22:58:00.000-05:00

It's not Boston.

I spent the last two weeks of September in New York. It was a working vacation, you might say. I was on a film (yes, another reveal-that's what my secret freelance job is....but what do I do on film sets exactly? That I will leave vague for now).
For two weeks, I walked everywhere--mostly alone. I took the subway by myself, went places I'd never been before, was on my own (except for nights and my days off-but that's another story). And you know what-no panic attacks, no agoraphobia. New York was wonderful in that I just did stuff. Got things done. In New York, I had a fifteen or twently minute walk, by myself, to the subway station. Not only was I not scared, I actually liked it! Here, the 4 minute (timed, from apartment door to bench) walk to the bus stop is overwhelming.

Why is that? What makes New York so different?

The Secret of..

2005-11-29T21:48:00.000-05:00

To this day, every time I see the acronym for the National Institute of Mental Health, I think of super-intelligent rodents.

Some definitions

2005-11-29T17:19:00.000-05:00

So, lets go over some definitions.

Panic Disorder
Simply put, panic disorder is when you suffer from panic attacks. But, what is a panic attack? Let's start with what it is not. It is not what happens when you are late for work and can't find your keys. That is stress. So everybody, please stop saying that you had a panic attack, unless you actually did!

So a panic attack, is, officially, from the National Institute of Mental Health, this:

If you are having a panic attack, most likely your heart will pound and you may feel sweaty, weak, faint, or dizzy. Your hands may tingle or feel numb, and you might feel flushed or chilled. You may have nausea, chest pain or smothering sensations, a sense of unreality, or fear of impending doom or loss of control. You may genuinely believe you're having a heart attack or losing your mind, or on the verge of death.

It's a pretty good description of what happens. My personal symptoms are the dizziness, flushing, pounding heart, rapid and difficult breathing, and the believe that I am going to stop breathing and die. It's not fun.

Panic Disorder can lead to Agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is NOT the fear of crowded spaces (though it can involved that). Another quote from NIMH:

Some people's lives become so restricted that they avoid normal, everyday activities such as grocery shopping or driving. In some cases they become housebound. Or, they may be able to confront a feared situation only if accompanied by a spouse or other trusted person.
Basically, these people avoid any situation in which they would feel helpless if a panic attack were to occur. When people's lives become so restricted, as happens in about one-third of people with panic disorder, the condition is called agoraphobia.

This is another pretty good description. I am definitely agoraphobic. The best way to describe my agoraphobia is that I don't like to be in situations that I can't exit from. So, it's not taking the bus that I mind, so much as that once I'm on the bus, I can't change my mind and take a cab. I don't drive, so that is not an option or an issue. There are certain situations that are especially difficult for me: walking alone, waiting in lines or for buses/subways (the longer I wait the more agitated I get, grocery shopping, getting places I have never been before, and noisy and crowded restaurants. Strangely enough, I am not shy. I enjoy meeting new people and doing new things--as long as I can go home whenever I want.

I spend alot of time hiding my problems from most people. I am afraid that people won't understand. It is a real problem, but, because it is not a physical problem, it is seen as a "made-up" problem, or something that is weakness, laziness, or shyness; a problem that you should just "get over." It is a real problem, with physical and emotional/mental components inverted upon each other.

But, the problem is, I am ashamed, and I do think that if I were stronger, or more motivated, I would just get over it.

A Change of Topic

2005-11-29T16:37:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's been months since I've posted. That's becasue we have a change of topic for this blog.

When I started this blog, I imagined a seires of witty, pithy postings, redolent of my humor and style. I think I delivered that. But, I felt like I was acting a part, and thus was not able to keep it up. So, in the interest of full disclosure, the focus of this blog may be changing, and address the problems I have. I will still be making the witty (at least to me) postings, but I will also be testing the theory that "Blogging is cheaper than therapy." Okay, so that is a proven. I guess my test will be, "is it as effective?"

So, are you ready for the reveal? I suffer from three problems, all interrelated. They are:

Hypochondria
Panic Disorder
Agoraphobia

The Hypochondria is self-dagnosed, but quite obvious to me. The Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia, however, have been diagnosed by the medical community, and are not made up conditions.

So, now that I've come out, I can attack my blog with renewed vigor.

America's War on Poverty

2005-09-03T11:18:00.000-05:00

Or is is America's war on the poor?

Let's start with some statistics, to set the stage, so to speak.

-According to the 2003 census: 21% of the population of New Orleans live below the povert level. Now, the povert level is fluid, depending on the number of household members. Let's assume a family of four: $18,850 per year. Let's divide that further-it works out to $1570/month. Average rent for a three bedroom apartment in New Orleans: $1000. So, we have $570/left to pay for food, transportation, utilities. Assume you are feeding 2-3 children. Conservatively, you will spend $400/month on groceries. We're down to $170 for utilities. That about covers it. So, you have no money left to pay for a bus out of town. Especially if it's the end of the month. And, about 25% of the working population does not own a car.

Okay, statistics get boring. Now lets get down to it.

A mandatory evacuation order was passed in New Orleans. But, there was no assistance in evacuation. So, if you own a car or had the cash for a bus ticket, sure you could get out. If not, the evacuation order was meaningless. The only thing you could do was make your way to the Superdome, which was supposed to be the city's main shelter. And, we all now how that turned out.

Now, imagine that you are a hospital patient. The decision to evacuate is out of your hands. If you have insurance and are lucky enough to be in a private hospital, you are in luck. By now, you have been evacuated. If you don't have insurance and are at Charity Hospital, the public one, you are still waiting.

Refugees at the Superdome were halted in their evacuation-to allow the people who had been staying in the Hyatt to evacuate. Quoted from MSNBC.com:

“ 'How does this work? They (are) clean, they are dry, they get out ahead of us? ' exclaimed Howard Blue, 22, who tried to get in their line. The National Guard blocked him as other guardsmen helped the well-dressed guests with their luggage.
The 700 had been trapped in the hotel, near the Superdome, but conditions were considerably cleaner, even without running water, than the unsanitary crush inside the dome. "

Really, what are we to think? Is it truly a coincidence that the poor are given lowest priority in care and evacuation. Our country is truly grievous.

Heroes

2005-09-03T10:15:00.000-05:00

We have seen so much in the news about those who have failed during this crisis-looters, gangs, rapists...police officers turning in badges, the lack of preparation and relief on the part of local, state, and federal government.

But, there are quiet heroes. Like the doctors, nurses, and technicians of Charity Hospital, who chose to stay on so that they could care for their patients. I am overwhelmed by their strength and courage.

It Can't Happen Here

2005-09-02T22:46:00.000-05:00

I find myself so riveted to the news coming out of New Orleans. Much more so than I was with the tsunami coverage nearly a year ago.

Why? Because I keep thinking "It can't happen here. Not here, this is the United States."

And I am ashamed. It is terrible and horrific-the tragedy, agony, and anarchy. But, what makes the lives of our citizens more important, more precious than others.

It can't happen here. It shouldn't happen here. But neither should it happen in Sri Lanka, Sudan, Darfur, Congo, or anywhere else on this earth. All lives are precious, and all suffering within too much to bear.

What is Going On?????

2005-09-01T21:29:00.000-05:00

Like a moth drawn to a flame, I can't stop reading the New Orleans coverage. It's insane. It makes me want to cry, and throw up, and most of all, it's just plain frightening.

First, the conditions are deplorable, and getting worse. There are corpses everywhere. There is no plumbing or drainage, and the temperatures are in the 90's. New Orleans is turning into Calcutta. They don't have food, water, or medical supplies. I'm ususally a law-abiding person, but desperate times call for desperate measures. In the greater moral law, is it better to not steal, or to take the supplies that literally could mean the difference between life or death. I say, let them loot.

But, beyond the looters, there are much worse things happening. Snipers shooting at rescue crews??? Armed gangs raping young women???
But worst of all is how officials on all levels are failing the people of New Orleans.
The mayor of New Orleans, C. Ray Nagin, last night ordered 1,500 police to leave their search-and-rescue missions to stop looting. A good amount of the looting has been for food, water, and medical supplies. There are greater moral laws at work here. Better to steal the supplies that literally mean the difference between life and death, than to not steal and watch people die. Granted, some are taking more than necessities, but even so, what is more important: locating and rescuing citizens, or protecting the inventory of the businesses?
Refugees tried to break into the food-services kitchen at the New Orleans Convention Center and were told by National Guardmen to desist or they would shoot. To kill. Yet the same National Guard is simply letting these people suffer. You can go awhile without food. But, dehydration will kill you. Fast.

House Speaker Hastert has questioned whether it "makes sense" to rebuild New Orleans. While certainly much thought will need to go into the rebuilding effort, to ensure a safer city, to make such a statement at this time--I can't even imagine how devastating it would be to hear that at this time.

Why is not more being done to get them out? FEMA has not released any comprehensive plan to evacuate the remaining refugees, numbered at around 80,000. Not enough buses, they are saying. Cannot FEMA and the National Guard borrow, or commandeer? Hell, I'd be happy to wait longer for my daily bus if the MBTA donated part of their fleet.

More than 20 foreign governments have offered aid, including emergency teams. Bush is too proud to accept their help-but he will approach several Arab nations to ask for oil. You know what? Lets worry about the oil tomorrow. Let's concentrate on keeping your citizens alive right now.

The Big Easy

2005-09-01T13:05:00.000-05:00

I've become too obsessed with the coverage of the hurricane, and with New Orleans. I am utterly horrfied by the death, destruction, and chaos. So much so, that it is hard to focus on and fully realize.

So, instead, I find my self focussed on New Orleans itself.
New Orleans always seemed so exotic, so romantic. The setting of many of my favorite books and movies: Jitterbug Perfume, Wild at Heart, The Wild Life of Sailor and Lula, Easy Rider.....

I'd always said that I wanted to visit "Nawlins." Not during Mardi Gras, but in the off season, so I could really experience it. And now? Like so much else in this treacherous world we live in, it will never be the same.

Nature creates so many tragedies, acts of terrorism in themselves. It is sad that the human race compounds these with man-made terror.

A Massachusetts Glossary: Updated!

2005-08-29T17:59:00.000-05:00

Package Store: n. liquor store

Ding-Dong Cart: n. ice cream truck

Grinder: n. submarine sandwich

Wicked: adj., adv. very

Tag Sale: n. garage sale; rummage sale

Down the Cape: phrase. to Cape Cod; at Cape Cod.

Sigh...

2005-08-29T14:55:00.000-05:00

Time moves too fast.

I went to Cape Cod this past weekend, with my mom, my stepfather, my aunt, her two daughters (16 and almost 14), and my boyfriend who joined us a day late. My grandmother and her "current" husband live down the Cape.

We used to go on what we called "Family Bonding Vacation" every year. My grandmother would rent a big cottage in coastal Maine, and we would all go up for a week. My aunt's boys would go up too (they are now 23 and 21!), friends of mine would come for a few days, my uncle (my mom and aunt's brother). It was great. We would go to the beach all day, at night we would go to "Town" which was the little village with all the tourist shops, arcades, etc. We would east most of our meals at the cottage-we would grill, make lobsters, steamers, everything. Then the best part-night. We would all drink (well, not the kids) and go over the canon of family stories-stories of my mother and aunt and uncles childhood, stories that we cousins couldn't get enough of. Then there were our stories-my birth-I was the first of my generation-and each year we would have stories of years past in Maine. The first year I went up was when I was 19. The last year we did a cottage was when I was 23. That was the year that we got our own cottage-mom,my stepfather, auntie and the kids.
The next summer was when I ran off and got married.

This weekend at the Cape just wasn't the same.
First, instead of a week, we went on Friday morning, and left Sunday morning.
Second, we stayed in a motel instead of a cottage.
We did have fun, but we were too far from the beach, so we just hung out at the pool. Everyone was tired, so we didn't get as much of the bonding time we all craved. There was no little village to visit, and the boys weren't there.

And then, yesterday.

Mom and my step-father dropped me off in Boston, then headed about 90 miles west where they live. My aunt and the girls headed straight home (one town over from mom) from the Cape.
Traffic was pretty bad.
Around 3, my mother called from her cell phone-they were still in traffic-and she got a call from my aunt, who was also stuck in traffic, because she got a call from my grandmother.

My uncle, a state trooper was in the hospital. All we knew at that time was that he was on a ventilator.

So, I called my aunt (she's a nurse and generally better in emergencies that my mother).
She didn't have any more information.

They all met at my aunt's house, while I waited, 100 miles away. At the point, the word was everything was okay, so she would go home and go to the hospital in the morning.

Then she called me back. It was on the news, and his name would not be realeased until the family was notified. That sounded so ominous, that they all went to the hospital right away.

My aunt called me from the hospital. He had, from top down: bruises and cut lip, broken neck, separated shoulder, broken collarbone, broken vertebrae, broken ribs, and a punctured lung. It was a motorcycle accident during a traffic detail. Last night he was semi-conscious, but didn't recognize anyone.

This morning was better. He has regained consciousness, and is lucid. Now we wait for medical evaluation.

It's odd that this happened around the time we were leaving the Cape, talking about how the family vacation is so important, and that we ARE going to do a week in Maine next summer, and thinking of how fleeting time is, and how people grow old too fast.

Some random musings...

2005-08-25T18:59:00.000-05:00

I haven't quite been a blogger hipster queen lately, and some events in the near future will probably get in the way...I have been informed that in changing the name on the DSL bill to someone who actually lives in my apartment, we will lose service for up to 2 weeks. Yuck! Then, the last two weeks of September, I will be away on a gig. So, have patience!

It seems, based on the number of comments, that my tits are more popular than any other facet of my life. I may have to start writing about them more. Maybe I'll include some pictures.

Things are changing around here-the youngest, piggiest roommate is moving out. I have one new roommate who already moved in, and another coming soon (we had an empty room most of the summer due to an old roommate who left with little notice). Never fear, I am maintaining Alpha-female status.

Work has changed too. Not the fun freelance stuff, but the in-between make sure I pay my bills stuff. I'm going back to where I worked BB (that's before blog). They pretty much understand my freelance career struggles and are very flexible. I love my boss. I can't wait to go back!

Okay, the boobies and I are going to look at some other blogs now.

The secret....

2005-08-21T13:02:00.000-05:00

I got this comment:

"Give up the t-shirt brand, sister!"

Well, here it is, but it's not too sexy-

Screen Stars, size medium.

Yep, just a plain old t-shirt.

The Pressure

2005-08-17T10:55:00.000-05:00

I got a comment from a reader...saying that she will become a daily blog-stalker. That's great...but now I have to come up with funny, witty posts every day!

Best Night Ever!

2005-08-12T14:18:00.000-05:00

Wednesday was the best night ever.

I went to see The Knitters. The Knitters are my favorite band in the whole wide world. The released an album this year-the first in 20 years! Who are The Knitters? The easiest way to explain them is that they are a sort of alt-country side project of the band X. X is my second favorite band in the whole wide world. They have released many more albums, and have done many tours. I love X and The Knitters. And, even more, I love John Doe, the lead singer. He's a hell of an actor too. I know you've seen him. I'm generally not a hero worshipper. I've worked with celebrities, and they are just people. But John Doe, man, he's something else. I really do get googly eyed near him. I remember the first time I met him-he did an in-store, and brought my Bust magazine with the interview with him in it. He said "Wow, I haven't seen this yet," read the article, and handed it back to me...I had to remind him to autograph it. I was so excited about seeing the Knitters, and maybe getting to talk to John Doe again. I wanted to be more than just a fawning fan (even though that's exactly what I am).

So, after years of dreaming, I finally got to see The Knitters. I've seen X, and I've seen John Doe solo, but never The Knitters.

The crowd was much bigger than I had thought it would be-and there were more young punk kids there than I had expected. I had thought, that at 30, my friend and I would be the youngest ones there. There were a good number of "older" fans there too, and that was neat-especially since I feel more kinship with the fans who clearly have put in time loving this band! It was weird, seeing so many people there. The Knitters are such a special, private joy for me, it was a shock to see so many fans. It's okay though. I love The Knitters, and everyone should appreciate them.

It was such a great show. John Doe and Dave Alvin came out alone first, and played "Silver Wings" and "Crying, but my Tears Are Far Away." Then, the whole band came out. I tried to get a set list, but didn't make it to the stage front quick enough, so I will only be able to say that they played a bunch of great Knitters tunes, a good amount of X songs (I'm not sure if they can be considered covers when 3 of The Knitters are also in X) and a few covers. The played so well-tight and with energy, and they either really love performing together or they put on a hell of an act.

Anyway, my friend and I stood to the left of the stage, which worked really well. We weren't crowded and we could see really well. And it was the best decision we could have made, because....

At the end of the set, they all went backstage, except for John Doe, who, oh joy, went down the stage steps and stood right next to me!
So, I went over, and stood on my tiptoes, and said in his ear, "I would love it if you would go back on and play 'Someone Like You.'" He grinned at me and said "I'll remember that."

At the encore, the second song they played was indeed my request. I like to think that he played it just for me.

Then, they came back for a second encore. In all, they played for more than 90 minutes. I would have listened to them all night.
But, the night had not yet ended. I visited the merch table, and treated myself to a T-Shirt and a Knitters lighter (only for The Knitters would I spend 5 bucks on a Bic).
John Doe signed my t-shirt, and then I used the conversational gambit I had been planning on all night. I mentioned that we had a mutual acquaintance-I guy I have worked with worked on a film that John Doe starred in. So, John Doe and I had a genuine, bona fide conversation about the film industry. I was in heaven. Now, if I can only get hired on a film that he does, I will be complete.

They are Real, and They are Spectacular!

2005-07-28T19:54:00.000-05:00

I've been sick all week. Fever, stuffy sinuses, hacking cough. Somehow it all seems worse in the summer.
I spent several days (mostly) in bed.

And then....
I decided to go to the drugstore (right on the corner) for some ice cream. So, I put on a pair of pants, leaving on the bra-less T-shirt that was acting as pyjamas.
My nose was bright red and peely, I had a hacking cough, and felt like I was going to pass out. But, I discovered, that T-shirt made my tits look spectacular!
It was just snug enough to show the round contour, but not so snug as to be tasteless. Worn enough to be be just the slightest bit sheer, but a dark enough color to not be tacky.

It is the perfect T shirt.

And I may never wear a bra again.

Um Excuse Me...Who's the Criminal Here?

2005-07-23T22:07:00.000-05:00

It's been a hell of a day.

I woke up feeling sick-one of those lovely summer colds. I really wanted to go back to bed, but trouper that I am, I went to work.
Always trust your instincts.

So, I was working in an office all by myself-the A/C cranked on high to combat my fever.
I left once or twice-go to the bathroom, go to my supervisor's office.

Then, on break, I discovered it. All the cash in my wallet was gone.

When my shift was over, my supervisor insisted we make a report. And that's where the fun really begins. Now, bear in mind, I work for a company that is a subcontractor for a company that is part of a major university. Get it?

Campus security cop shows up. I tell him that I can't give him much information other than what we said over the phone. Cash gone, not sure when it happened.
First question: Can I see your Fancypants University ID?
We explain to him that I'm not technically a University employee blah, blah, blah.
Second question: Why didn't you call us as soon as it happened?
I explain to him that a.) I don't know when it happened, and b.) I know I'm not getting my money back. I just want others to be forewarned not to leave their zipped up bag under a desk in a supposedly secure building.
Third question: Name, address, phone number, birthdate?
I give it to him. Frankly, I'm surprised he didn't fingerprint me.

But, really, I was just trying to do my duty, and report what happened. In turn, I am questioned, berated, and frankly, treated as if I did something wrong. I don't get it. This is why next time I will deal with it my own way.

...Just as soon as I figure out what that is.

Update!

2005-07-22T13:30:00.000-05:00

I got my check!

It was only 30 days late.

Why I am Semi-Anonymous

2005-07-21T22:05:00.000-05:00

You may have noticed that I refrain from giving away too many identifying characteristics here. You may even wonder why....
Sure, it's partially because I don't need some crazy freak stalking me. (And believe, I attract the crazy freaks).

But, the main reason why is that this is a secret blog. I've only told one person about it, because, well, she's my best friend and I can't keep a secret from her. But, I've told nobody else. I'm sure if someone knew me well and was clever enough, they might figure it out. You see, I have this fantasy that this blog will get a huge following, until everybody is talking about, and all my friends tell me I have to read it, ....and I will be the secret hipster queen!

Drunks say the Darndest Things

2005-07-20T23:14:00.000-05:00

I live on a major street, and hear the most amazing things from my window:

"You won't do it because you're a cocksucker."
"So I had this curse put on me. I need to see a psychic to lift the curse."
"Don't step in the puke; you'll take it home."
"No, I don't feel up to starting a fight tonight."
"I smashed my head, and so much blood came out of me."
"I don't have time for my own shit, I certainly don't have time for your shit."
"He's grabbing my nipple and it's altogether inappropriate."

We've got a problem!

2005-07-14T22:58:00.000-05:00

I've always maintained that there are certain things that must be in very close proximity to my home. And by very close, I mean close enough to walk to in my pyjamas. In no particular order, they are:
-an ATM that doesn't charge me a service fee
-a convenience store
-a video store (no longer necessary with the wonder that is Netflix)
-a package store (that's mass-hole-ese for liquor store)
-and a pizza joint.

My current home has all these (except the video store, but, as I said, that's moot these days). But you know what? I hate my pizza shop. The only thing I really like there is the soda! What am I going to do?

The DSB Diet

2005-07-14T20:38:00.000-05:00

Okay, I made a reference to my guaranteed DSB diet, and I got a comment asking for my secret. Here it is:

The DSB Diet and Exercise Program *

Personal testimony: I went on the DSB diet three years ago. I lost 60 pounds, and went from a size 16 to a size 8! **

Step One:

Get Divorced. Separations or breakdowns of serious, long-term relationships may be substituted.
This will leave you with depression: nature's appetite suppressant!

Step Two:
Get Stressed. This is a natural side effect of Step one, and continues to have an appetite supressing effect.

Step Three:
Get Broke. This will ensure that you no longer can afford take-out.

Exercise: Due to being broke, have no car. You will spend endless hours walking to bus stops.

Helpful hints: try moving back into parents' home to increase stress, and/or lose job to be more broke. Drink as much black coffee as possible. You will burn calories from the jitters alone!

Common Questions about the DSB Diet:

I am stressed, and going through a divorce, but I'm not broke!

Try hiring an expensive divorce lawyer. You will lose your pounds as quickly as your dollars!

I eat more when I'm depressed and stressed out. What should I do?

Take up smoking. Have a cigarette whenever you have a comfort food craving. It will give you all of the satisfaction, and none of the calories! Nicotene kills your appetite and raises your metabolism!

Can I drink on the DSB diet?

Certainly! Just remember this simple guideline: you must have three meals a day on the DSB diet, and you may replace any meal with a drinking session.

Can I go on the DSB diet if I'm not divorcing, but only breaking up with someone?

You can modify the diet to your needs, but this plan is most effective when it is in conjunction with a complete and total upheaval of your life.

I'm glad that I'm getting a divorce. Is the DSB plan for me?

Absolutely!!! Just remember to focus on the fact that you wasted so much time with your ex. This will create all the neccessary stress and depression that is critical to success!

*Consult with your best friend or gay male sidekick before starting this or any diet and exercise program.
**This is really true! I lost all that weight and didn't even try!

On Being the Alpha Female

2005-07-14T10:02:00.000-05:00

I'm so excited! People are leaving comments, which means that people are actually reading this!!!! Here's my first comment:

"I think your roommates are hilarious...and you're so brave to live with all males..."

Hmmm.....brave?

Here's the thing: I do complain and make fun of the boys. A lot. But, it really can be great to be the only female in the house. When I first moved in to this place, we were a mixed crowd; more girls than boys. Gradually it phased into a testosterone palace. And:

When my cat crawled under my bed and died there, it was one of the guys who moved my bed, and so gently laid her in a box, and then rubbed my back until I stopped crying.
It was one of the boys who went with me to a job after a blizzard, and insisted on carrying my kit and bag through the snow.
It was two of the guys who, on separate occaisions, helped me move furniture.
It was one of the guys who randomly brings home candy, cigarettes, and bourbon for me.
It is all of the guys who love to spoil my new kitten and give her treats as often as they can.
It was one of the guys who gave me a new, bigger monitor, and let me permanently borrow his printer.

There are other advantages to being the only girl in the house. *Warning:this next section contains gender-based stereotypes.*

I've lived with both guys and girls and here are some advantages to guys:

Guys are less passive-aggressive. If they have an issue they will tell you, rather then being huffy and pouty and making you guess. If they are sick of your stuff all over the house, they'll tell you. They won't make a pile of your stuff and leave it for you to find.
Guys won't use your razor in the shower and think that you won't notice.
If a guy does borrow something, it will be something like a hammer, and they will return it. Why? Because guys respect tools! A girl will borrow hair gel from you and never give it back.
Being the only girl, guys will make you feel important. They ask you for all kinds of advice, from how to cook, to what to get their mother for her birthday, to how to get a date, to what to wear for a job interview.
It's nice to be the center of male attention. If you are the only girl, you will feel like a babe, without any drunken smarmy nastiness.*
Guys won't flirt with or hit on your boyfriend.
They will adopt you as a surragate sister.

Yes, they don't do the dishes as much. They don't understand why one might wash a floor. But, really, all guy isn't all bad.

*note: do not get sexually or romantically involved with your roommate(s). It will ruin all of this!

These are a Few of My Favorite Blogs...

2005-07-12T09:52:00.000-05:00

So, I added links to my favorite blogs, and thought I would say a bit about them...and, of course in doing so say something about me.

There is one blog that inspired me to start my own! She is smart, funny, and so cool! I followed a link from her blog to another great one. Another smart, funny chick. I hope I can get the two of them to start reading my blog, because we have so much in common!
Yes, I am not now going to list these things, so they will not think I am a crazy web-stalker:
-We are all 30-something!
-We are all divorced!
-We all have cats! (Maybe we're not all so cool after all. Anyway...)
-We all knit! (Okay, when I say we all knit this is what I really mean. They both knit. A lot. They even post pictures of what they knit. This is my version of knitting: I know how to knit, and I enjoy it very much. So, I have a million knitting magazines and pattern booklets. I look at them. I make a long list of all the projects I want to make. I look through catalogs. Figure out which yarn and shade I want to use. I figure out how much it will cost to get all the materials, then I look in my knitting basket, find some old yarn, and knit another scarf. But really, I knitted before it was cool! I made scarves for my friends, and they thought I was an old lady in training.)
-Both of these chicks are losing weight. I lost alot of weight. Soon, I will share the secrets of the DSB diet.

Yes, I really want to be apart of their super cool blogger clique!

A little more about me....

2005-07-11T20:55:00.000-05:00

I had a heart attack tonight at work.

Here's the situation: I took one of those schleppy part-time jobs to augment the freelance work that I don't get paid for.

So, I take a little break to go pee, and when I get back to my little desk, I realize that my chest is feeling tight. Then, I notice a feeling of pressure. Then, I start feeling really warm. Like I have a fever.
I read a lot of magazines, and am always captivated by stories like "Heart Attack at 30? It can Happen to You!" So, I knew all the warning signs and knew exactly what was happening.

But here's the catch. I just started this job. I really can't ask to leave early because I think I'm having a heart attack. So I wait until break, when I can smoke a cigarette and think things through. (does this situation sound suspect to you yet? She thinks she having a heart attack, so she's going to go smoke a cigarette. Hmmmm...)

So, I send my boyfriend a text message. "I feel funny. On break." I go back to work. I take a cab home, instead of walking to the bus, because I know that may kill me.
And here I sit, realizing that I didn't really have a heart attack, but what is really wrong is good old-fashioned indigestion and gas. Because, yes, I am a big hypochondriac.

Memo to my Roommate...

2005-07-10T21:28:00.000-05:00

The living room stinks because you leave your dirty laundry there!

The Difference Between Boys and Girls

2005-07-07T11:51:00.000-05:00

I live in Boston. Yesterday we had huge amounts of rain all day. So, here's the setup:
I live in a "Garden" apartment. (This is code. It means that my apartment is in the basement).
There is an open area between my building and the one next door.
There is also a large area in my basement that one might call a "lobby," it's really just random floor space at the bottom of the stairs with several doors to apartments and utility rooms around the perimeter.
My roommates are all male.

My plan was to sleep all day-but I got up at eleven.

My roommates told me that they discovered that the "lobby" (they actually call it 'out there') was covered in water. They further discovered that the open area was flooded-at least a few feet.

My reaction: hope that the water doesn't reach our apartment, and suggest that someone call the building manager.

Their reaction: take pictures, shoot video, and, I'm not making this up....go swimming.

My reaction: "You went under water? You'll get Hepatitis!"

Their reaction: "We should get rafts!"

Alas, the water was all drained today.

The Check Still Isn't in the Mail

2005-07-03T14:49:00.000-05:00

I am a freelancer. I work in an industry in which it is standard to be paid within 30 days.

So here's what happened:
(days are caculated from the end of the job)

DAY 8: A group email is sent out, reminded everyone who worked on the project to send in expense receipts for payment and reimbursement. A good sign, I think. I turned in my invoice and receipts that day.

DAY 10: A new email sent, reminding all to forward mailing addresses where the checks should go. My address is on the afore mentioned invoice.

DAY 30: An email is sent out, stating that checks will be mailed by DAY 32. Well, it's a little over the deadline, but the check is on it's way.

DAY 35: I wait in the lobby of my building for the mailman. I tell him the check was to be mailed three days ago. He tells me I was lied to and that the check was not mailed.

DAY 37: The mailman was right. I get an email saying that the check was not mailed, but will be in my mailbox no later than DAY 41.

DAY 41: My roommate gets a US News & World Report.

DAY 42: I get an email. It says to be patient. It says that more important things were happening than sending checks. It says that I will get an email when checks are mailed.

So, I could:
a.) write an email explaining that while the two people in charge there still live with their folks, I do not, and "be patient" and "I was too busy" don't cut it with my landlord. (I did pay my rent, but still, it's the principle of it).

b.) show up at the office. Refuse to leave until I get my money.

c.) write an anonymous diatribe nobody will read anyway on the internet.

Welcome to my Blog!

2005-07-03T14:15:00.000-05:00

Yep. I finally got me a blog. Here's how it happened:

I spend a lot of time on Craigslist. Sure, I start out looking at job postings. Then I read Missed Connections. I mean, I have a boyfrind, and I'm not looking for someone else, but still-what if my cheery smile made someone's day. I'd want to know. Wouldn't you.
Then I got into Best of Craigslist. I found a very funny post, and a link to a blogspot:

http://shewalks.blogspot.com/2005/04/why-yes-cute-fireman-that-is-my-ass.html

Hey, I can do that too! So, here it is, an outlet for my interior monologue.