Not Bridget Jones

I'm not sad. I'm not desperate. I'm not Bridget Jones.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Returning to the scene of the crime...

Or, um, the scene of the panic attack.

I had a major attack in CVS back in June.

Today was the first day I was able to go in by myself.

I survived!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

How do you mend a broken heart?

When the person who broke your heart is still around?

Before I go any further, this is not a creepy stalking issue, so calm down!

He calls me every day. He tells me he loves me. He tells me that I'm the only one he wants. Today he expressed a desire for "quality time." He suggested theater or a museum. He asked what I wanted for Christmas.

And I just don't know. There are specific areas of our relationship that I was very unhappy with (like....posting a personal ad!). I want him to take responsibility for the actions, not to give me an excuse and the phrase "I'm flawed." That's not enough. None of it is.

I'm willing to give the friendship a chance, but anything more? It's not what I want. Not with these conditions. If he were to change, if we were to change, then maybe. But not right now.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Even more interesting....

After I posted this I visited by that same IP address. Tried again, and was able to get onto this website.

But today I can't.

So, I'm really not sure....

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Interesting

Since I made this post, I've not been able to get onto this website. I get a "Cannot find server or DNS Error" message.

I do know that my post was visited by someone from that domain name, and found my post from a blogsearch for references to that website.

Is it possible that they have blocked my IP address? Or is it a simple coincidence?

I have been able to visit that site from another computer, so it does make me wonder.....

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Aftermath

He cancelled his ad.

We broke up anyway.

He said that he only wanted to make friends, that he wasn't going behind my back. But, he was too defensive. I can't trust him anymore.

The breakup was mutual, sort of. He told me that he felt alone and needed to be alone, but that I am still his "best friend."

I told him that we were beyond that. That I didn't know if I wanted him in my life, in any capacity. If he wants me to remain in his life. he needs to give me a reason. He needs to rebuild my trust and faith. I don't know how, of if that can happen.

What I really want is for him to be a different person, and I know that's not possible. I want him to be the person I though he was, or the person I wanted him to be. Someone I could trust, someone I believed in, some one who would be there for me.

I do understand him, and I do understand where the lies and deception came from. He has a problem with depression and self-esteem. This doesn't give him a free pass, though.

He seems to think that if he is alone for awhile and deals with his problems, then we can have a better relationship. I however, don't believe that he will deal with his problems.

I know I'm better off without a person I can't trust. But I still miss what I thought we had. I feel a loss for what we won't have in the future. I know that I'm better off being strong for myself.

But it still sucks.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Another Dream

I had a dream last night. I was out at a bar with friends.

I feel hopeful about the future.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Today's Highlight

Was going to the coffee shop next door and buying a chocolate croissant. Yay me!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

New Pills!

Went to my real psychiatrist today.

I'm starting on Zoloft next week. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Terrorism Begins at Home

What would you do?

This is hard. This post is about things I don't want to admit.

The Boyfriend has betrayed me. He has lied to me. And what makes me crazy is that I don't know to what extent.

I have discovered that he put a posting here. His posting states twice, including once in caps, that he is "SINGLE," and that he is looking for women for a short or long-term relationship.

What does that make me?

How did I discover this? Was I browsing personal ads for my own nevarious reasons, or trying to catch him? No. On Friday, he asked me to send an email from his account. So, I logged in, and saw that he had several messages from Nerve.com members.

This happened before. He promised it would never happen again. But it has.

Saturday morning he called me before I went to work. I think he knew I was going to ask him, because each time I started to talk, he would break in with some inane conversation. Finally I broke through and confronted him. He told me that he was just trying to make friends. Why was the posting worded as such then? He couldn't really answer. I explained how it made me feel-distrustful, betrayed, used, deceived, humiliated. After a very good conversation (no yelling, crying, or anger) he said he would contact all the women he had corresponded with, tell them he was involved with someone, and cancel the account.

He still hasn't. It is still there for me and the rest of the world to see.

I checked again yesterday. It was still there, and I spun into a panic attack. I had the attack for several reasons. Because he hadn't taken it down yet, which speaks of unsincerity in his promise to stop. And, because I don't know what exactly is going on. I don't know how many women he's corresponded with. I don't know what they've said. I don't know if they've exchanged real email addresses or phone numbers. I don't know if they've met, or plan to meet. I have nothing to go on but his word, which is no good to me anymore. And, becasue he knew how deeply hurt I was, and knew that he could start to rectify my injury by removing his posting, and he didn't. That led me to believe that he just doesn't care.

Porbably the least mature thing I've done during this whole episode was when I told him on the phone that I was having a panic attack, and what triggered it. The truth is, I wanted him to know how his actions affect me.

I guess he felt bad, becasue he called me about 8 times yesterday to see how I was. The last time we spoke was after I got home from work. He told me that he loved me more than he has ever loved anybody, and that he cannot imagine his life without me. And you know what? Those words just left me cold. They don't mean anything, based on his actions.

I did send him an email, with these thoughts, and more (c'mon I can't tell you everything). He will read it tonight when he gets home from work, and respond in some way. I told him it was there. This is how I concluded it:

"My trust in you is broken. I don't know how, or even if you can get it back. I do know that your words "I love you so much" "I can't imagine life without you" "you're the best thing that ever happened to me" are meaningless without actions to back them up. You should think long and hard about those phrases. If you really mean them, then you need to find a way to rebuild my trust. I don't know what that is, because only you fully know how it's been taken away. You really are very close to losing me forever, if you don't do something about it very soon. I'm not breaking up with you, but I am telling you that you are at a crossroads. Choose to show me that you love me, and are worthy of my trust and love, or walk away from me forever. "

So, what would you do?

I know what I would say if a friend came to me with this story. "He's an asshole. You deserve so much better. Cut him loose."

But life is more complicated than that, isn't it? We've been dating for almost four years. That's a long time to realize it was all a lie. I guess my hope is somehow finding that it wasn't. That it was real. What would you do?



 


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