Not Bridget Jones

I'm not sad. I'm not desperate. I'm not Bridget Jones.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

What would you do?

This is hard. This post is about things I don't want to admit.

The Boyfriend has betrayed me. He has lied to me. And what makes me crazy is that I don't know to what extent.

I have discovered that he put a posting here. His posting states twice, including once in caps, that he is "SINGLE," and that he is looking for women for a short or long-term relationship.

What does that make me?

How did I discover this? Was I browsing personal ads for my own nevarious reasons, or trying to catch him? No. On Friday, he asked me to send an email from his account. So, I logged in, and saw that he had several messages from Nerve.com members.

This happened before. He promised it would never happen again. But it has.

Saturday morning he called me before I went to work. I think he knew I was going to ask him, because each time I started to talk, he would break in with some inane conversation. Finally I broke through and confronted him. He told me that he was just trying to make friends. Why was the posting worded as such then? He couldn't really answer. I explained how it made me feel-distrustful, betrayed, used, deceived, humiliated. After a very good conversation (no yelling, crying, or anger) he said he would contact all the women he had corresponded with, tell them he was involved with someone, and cancel the account.

He still hasn't. It is still there for me and the rest of the world to see.

I checked again yesterday. It was still there, and I spun into a panic attack. I had the attack for several reasons. Because he hadn't taken it down yet, which speaks of unsincerity in his promise to stop. And, because I don't know what exactly is going on. I don't know how many women he's corresponded with. I don't know what they've said. I don't know if they've exchanged real email addresses or phone numbers. I don't know if they've met, or plan to meet. I have nothing to go on but his word, which is no good to me anymore. And, becasue he knew how deeply hurt I was, and knew that he could start to rectify my injury by removing his posting, and he didn't. That led me to believe that he just doesn't care.

Porbably the least mature thing I've done during this whole episode was when I told him on the phone that I was having a panic attack, and what triggered it. The truth is, I wanted him to know how his actions affect me.

I guess he felt bad, becasue he called me about 8 times yesterday to see how I was. The last time we spoke was after I got home from work. He told me that he loved me more than he has ever loved anybody, and that he cannot imagine his life without me. And you know what? Those words just left me cold. They don't mean anything, based on his actions.

I did send him an email, with these thoughts, and more (c'mon I can't tell you everything). He will read it tonight when he gets home from work, and respond in some way. I told him it was there. This is how I concluded it:

"My trust in you is broken. I don't know how, or even if you can get it back. I do know that your words "I love you so much" "I can't imagine life without you" "you're the best thing that ever happened to me" are meaningless without actions to back them up. You should think long and hard about those phrases. If you really mean them, then you need to find a way to rebuild my trust. I don't know what that is, because only you fully know how it's been taken away. You really are very close to losing me forever, if you don't do something about it very soon. I'm not breaking up with you, but I am telling you that you are at a crossroads. Choose to show me that you love me, and are worthy of my trust and love, or walk away from me forever. "

So, what would you do?

I know what I would say if a friend came to me with this story. "He's an asshole. You deserve so much better. Cut him loose."

But life is more complicated than that, isn't it? We've been dating for almost four years. That's a long time to realize it was all a lie. I guess my hope is somehow finding that it wasn't. That it was real. What would you do?



1 Comments:

  • At 1:16 PM, Blogger shoe whore said…

    run far and run FAST

    the same thing happened to my sister --- she logged into their computer and he had forgotten to log out of his Lava Life account --- he was looking and the person he was looking for as deduced by his criteria? my sister, the woman he had been living with for the past 2 years

     

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