Not Bridget Jones

I'm not sad. I'm not desperate. I'm not Bridget Jones.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

They are Real, and They are Spectacular!

I've been sick all week. Fever, stuffy sinuses, hacking cough. Somehow it all seems worse in the summer.
I spent several days (mostly) in bed.

And then....
I decided to go to the drugstore (right on the corner) for some ice cream. So, I put on a pair of pants, leaving on the bra-less T-shirt that was acting as pyjamas.
My nose was bright red and peely, I had a hacking cough, and felt like I was going to pass out. But, I discovered, that T-shirt made my tits look spectacular!
It was just snug enough to show the round contour, but not so snug as to be tasteless. Worn enough to be be just the slightest bit sheer, but a dark enough color to not be tacky.

It is the perfect T shirt.

And I may never wear a bra again.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Um Excuse Me...Who's the Criminal Here?

It's been a hell of a day.

I woke up feeling sick-one of those lovely summer colds. I really wanted to go back to bed, but trouper that I am, I went to work.
Always trust your instincts.

So, I was working in an office all by myself-the A/C cranked on high to combat my fever.
I left once or twice-go to the bathroom, go to my supervisor's office.

Then, on break, I discovered it. All the cash in my wallet was gone.

When my shift was over, my supervisor insisted we make a report. And that's where the fun really begins. Now, bear in mind, I work for a company that is a subcontractor for a company that is part of a major university. Get it?

Campus security cop shows up. I tell him that I can't give him much information other than what we said over the phone. Cash gone, not sure when it happened.
First question: Can I see your Fancypants University ID?
We explain to him that I'm not technically a University employee blah, blah, blah.
Second question: Why didn't you call us as soon as it happened?
I explain to him that a.) I don't know when it happened, and b.) I know I'm not getting my money back. I just want others to be forewarned not to leave their zipped up bag under a desk in a supposedly secure building.
Third question: Name, address, phone number, birthdate?
I give it to him. Frankly, I'm surprised he didn't fingerprint me.

But, really, I was just trying to do my duty, and report what happened. In turn, I am questioned, berated, and frankly, treated as if I did something wrong. I don't get it. This is why next time I will deal with it my own way.

...Just as soon as I figure out what that is.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Update!

I got my check!

It was only 30 days late.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Why I am Semi-Anonymous

You may have noticed that I refrain from giving away too many identifying characteristics here. You may even wonder why....
Sure, it's partially because I don't need some crazy freak stalking me. (And believe, I attract the crazy freaks).

But, the main reason why is that this is a secret blog. I've only told one person about it, because, well, she's my best friend and I can't keep a secret from her. But, I've told nobody else. I'm sure if someone knew me well and was clever enough, they might figure it out. You see, I have this fantasy that this blog will get a huge following, until everybody is talking about, and all my friends tell me I have to read it, ....and I will be the secret hipster queen!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Drunks say the Darndest Things

I live on a major street, and hear the most amazing things from my window:

  • "You won't do it because you're a cocksucker."
  • "So I had this curse put on me. I need to see a psychic to lift the curse."
  • "Don't step in the puke; you'll take it home."
  • "No, I don't feel up to starting a fight tonight."
  • "I smashed my head, and so much blood came out of me."
  • "I don't have time for my own shit, I certainly don't have time for your shit."
  • "He's grabbing my nipple and it's altogether inappropriate."

Thursday, July 14, 2005

We've got a problem!

I've always maintained that there are certain things that must be in very close proximity to my home. And by very close, I mean close enough to walk to in my pyjamas. In no particular order, they are:
-an ATM that doesn't charge me a service fee
-a convenience store
-a video store (no longer necessary with the wonder that is Netflix)
-a package store (that's mass-hole-ese for liquor store)
-and a pizza joint.

My current home has all these (except the video store, but, as I said, that's moot these days). But you know what? I hate my pizza shop. The only thing I really like there is the soda! What am I going to do?

The DSB Diet

Okay, I made a reference to my guaranteed DSB diet, and I got a comment asking for my secret. Here it is:

The DSB Diet and Exercise Program *

Personal testimony: I went on the DSB diet three years ago. I lost 60 pounds, and went from a size 16 to a size 8! **

Step One:

Get Divorced. Separations or breakdowns of serious, long-term relationships may be substituted.
This will leave you with depression: nature's appetite suppressant!

Step Two:
Get Stressed. This is a natural side effect of Step one, and continues to have an appetite supressing effect.

Step Three:
Get Broke. This will ensure that you no longer can afford take-out.

Exercise: Due to being broke, have no car. You will spend endless hours walking to bus stops.

Helpful hints: try moving back into parents' home to increase stress, and/or lose job to be more broke. Drink as much black coffee as possible. You will burn calories from the jitters alone!


Common Questions about the DSB Diet:

  • I am stressed, and going through a divorce, but I'm not broke!

Try hiring an expensive divorce lawyer. You will lose your pounds as quickly as your dollars!

  • I eat more when I'm depressed and stressed out. What should I do?

Take up smoking. Have a cigarette whenever you have a comfort food craving. It will give you all of the satisfaction, and none of the calories! Nicotene kills your appetite and raises your metabolism!

  • Can I drink on the DSB diet?

Certainly! Just remember this simple guideline: you must have three meals a day on the DSB diet, and you may replace any meal with a drinking session.

  • Can I go on the DSB diet if I'm not divorcing, but only breaking up with someone?

You can modify the diet to your needs, but this plan is most effective when it is in conjunction with a complete and total upheaval of your life.

  • I'm glad that I'm getting a divorce. Is the DSB plan for me?

Absolutely!!! Just remember to focus on the fact that you wasted so much time with your ex. This will create all the neccessary stress and depression that is critical to success!


*Consult with your best friend or gay male sidekick before starting this or any diet and exercise program.
**This is really true! I lost all that weight and didn't even try!

On Being the Alpha Female

I'm so excited! People are leaving comments, which means that people are actually reading this!!!! Here's my first comment:

"I think your roommates are hilarious...and you're so brave to live with all males..."

Hmmm.....brave?

Here's the thing: I do complain and make fun of the boys. A lot. But, it really can be great to be the only female in the house. When I first moved in to this place, we were a mixed crowd; more girls than boys. Gradually it phased into a testosterone palace. And:
  • When my cat crawled under my bed and died there, it was one of the guys who moved my bed, and so gently laid her in a box, and then rubbed my back until I stopped crying.
  • It was one of the boys who went with me to a job after a blizzard, and insisted on carrying my kit and bag through the snow.
  • It was two of the guys who, on separate occaisions, helped me move furniture.
  • It was one of the guys who randomly brings home candy, cigarettes, and bourbon for me.
  • It is all of the guys who love to spoil my new kitten and give her treats as often as they can.
  • It was one of the guys who gave me a new, bigger monitor, and let me permanently borrow his printer.

There are other advantages to being the only girl in the house. *Warning:this next section contains gender-based stereotypes.*

I've lived with both guys and girls and here are some advantages to guys:

  • Guys are less passive-aggressive. If they have an issue they will tell you, rather then being huffy and pouty and making you guess. If they are sick of your stuff all over the house, they'll tell you. They won't make a pile of your stuff and leave it for you to find.
  • Guys won't use your razor in the shower and think that you won't notice.
  • If a guy does borrow something, it will be something like a hammer, and they will return it. Why? Because guys respect tools! A girl will borrow hair gel from you and never give it back.
  • Being the only girl, guys will make you feel important. They ask you for all kinds of advice, from how to cook, to what to get their mother for her birthday, to how to get a date, to what to wear for a job interview.
  • It's nice to be the center of male attention. If you are the only girl, you will feel like a babe, without any drunken smarmy nastiness.*
  • Guys won't flirt with or hit on your boyfriend.
  • They will adopt you as a surragate sister.

Yes, they don't do the dishes as much. They don't understand why one might wash a floor. But, really, all guy isn't all bad.

*note: do not get sexually or romantically involved with your roommate(s). It will ruin all of this!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

These are a Few of My Favorite Blogs...

So, I added links to my favorite blogs, and thought I would say a bit about them...and, of course in doing so say something about me.

There is one blog that inspired me to start my own! She is smart, funny, and so cool! I followed a link from her blog to another great one. Another smart, funny chick. I hope I can get the two of them to start reading my blog, because we have so much in common!
Yes, I am not now going to list these things, so they will not think I am a crazy web-stalker:
-We are all 30-something!
-We are all divorced!
-We all have cats! (Maybe we're not all so cool after all. Anyway...)
-We all knit! (Okay, when I say we all knit this is what I really mean. They both knit. A lot. They even post pictures of what they knit. This is my version of knitting: I know how to knit, and I enjoy it very much. So, I have a million knitting magazines and pattern booklets. I look at them. I make a long list of all the projects I want to make. I look through catalogs. Figure out which yarn and shade I want to use. I figure out how much it will cost to get all the materials, then I look in my knitting basket, find some old yarn, and knit another scarf. But really, I knitted before it was cool! I made scarves for my friends, and they thought I was an old lady in training.)
-Both of these chicks are losing weight. I lost alot of weight. Soon, I will share the secrets of the DSB diet.

Yes, I really want to be apart of their super cool blogger clique!





Monday, July 11, 2005

A little more about me....

I had a heart attack tonight at work.

Here's the situation: I took one of those schleppy part-time jobs to augment the freelance work that I don't get paid for.

So, I take a little break to go pee, and when I get back to my little desk, I realize that my chest is feeling tight. Then, I notice a feeling of pressure. Then, I start feeling really warm. Like I have a fever.
I read a lot of magazines, and am always captivated by stories like "Heart Attack at 30? It can Happen to You!" So, I knew all the warning signs and knew exactly what was happening.

But here's the catch. I just started this job. I really can't ask to leave early because I think I'm having a heart attack. So I wait until break, when I can smoke a cigarette and think things through. (does this situation sound suspect to you yet? She thinks she having a heart attack, so she's going to go smoke a cigarette. Hmmmm...)

So, I send my boyfriend a text message. "I feel funny. On break." I go back to work. I take a cab home, instead of walking to the bus, because I know that may kill me.
And here I sit, realizing that I didn't really have a heart attack, but what is really wrong is good old-fashioned indigestion and gas. Because, yes, I am a big hypochondriac.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Memo to my Roommate...

The living room stinks because you leave your dirty laundry there!

Thursday, July 07, 2005

The Difference Between Boys and Girls

I live in Boston. Yesterday we had huge amounts of rain all day. So, here's the setup:
I live in a "Garden" apartment. (This is code. It means that my apartment is in the basement).
There is an open area between my building and the one next door.
There is also a large area in my basement that one might call a "lobby," it's really just random floor space at the bottom of the stairs with several doors to apartments and utility rooms around the perimeter.
My roommates are all male.

My plan was to sleep all day-but I got up at eleven.

My roommates told me that they discovered that the "lobby" (they actually call it 'out there') was covered in water. They further discovered that the open area was flooded-at least a few feet.

My reaction: hope that the water doesn't reach our apartment, and suggest that someone call the building manager.

Their reaction: take pictures, shoot video, and, I'm not making this up....go swimming.

My reaction: "You went under water? You'll get Hepatitis!"

Their reaction: "We should get rafts!"

Alas, the water was all drained today.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

The Check Still Isn't in the Mail

I am a freelancer. I work in an industry in which it is standard to be paid within 30 days.

So here's what happened:
(days are caculated from the end of the job)

DAY 8: A group email is sent out, reminded everyone who worked on the project to send in expense receipts for payment and reimbursement. A good sign, I think. I turned in my invoice and receipts that day.

DAY 10: A new email sent, reminding all to forward mailing addresses where the checks should go. My address is on the afore mentioned invoice.

DAY 30: An email is sent out, stating that checks will be mailed by DAY 32. Well, it's a little over the deadline, but the check is on it's way.

DAY 35: I wait in the lobby of my building for the mailman. I tell him the check was to be mailed three days ago. He tells me I was lied to and that the check was not mailed.

DAY 37: The mailman was right. I get an email saying that the check was not mailed, but will be in my mailbox no later than DAY 41.

DAY 41: My roommate gets a US News & World Report.

DAY 42: I get an email. It says to be patient. It says that more important things were happening than sending checks. It says that I will get an email when checks are mailed.


So, I could:
a.) write an email explaining that while the two people in charge there still live with their folks, I do not, and "be patient" and "I was too busy" don't cut it with my landlord. (I did pay my rent, but still, it's the principle of it).

b.) show up at the office. Refuse to leave until I get my money.

c.) write an anonymous diatribe nobody will read anyway on the internet.

Welcome to my Blog!

Yep. I finally got me a blog. Here's how it happened:

I spend a lot of time on Craigslist. Sure, I start out looking at job postings. Then I read Missed Connections. I mean, I have a boyfrind, and I'm not looking for someone else, but still-what if my cheery smile made someone's day. I'd want to know. Wouldn't you.
Then I got into Best of Craigslist. I found a very funny post, and a link to a blogspot:

http://shewalks.blogspot.com/2005/04/why-yes-cute-fireman-that-is-my-ass.html

Hey, I can do that too! So, here it is, an outlet for my interior monologue.
 


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