Take this boss and shove him

My supervisor is driving me crazy.

-He called in sick on my two days off, forcing me to work.
-The next day, he told one of my supervisees "I should have called Not Bridget and told her I was throwing up so I could go home."
-He is between 30 and 60 minutes late every day.
-He doesn't check our voicemail on my days off; so I have to deal with three days worth of voicemails after my weekend.
-We are supposed to back up our system every day. He never does. I always do. It take about 90 seconds to perform.
-On Saturday, during our busiest part of the day, he disappeared for 20 minutes.
-On Saturday, he asked to borrow $250. Let me point out-he makes more than I.

So, I had to vent. My plan is to just do my job really well. Eventually, his house of cards will collapse, and I will be left looking fine!

Dispair

Wednesday was a very hard day.

It was supposed to be my day off. The day before, my supervisor called in sick, and I had to go in. He called me Wednesday at 10 to tell me that he was going to work, and then at 11:30 to tell me he was not.

I was not in the mindset to go to work.

I jumped in the shower-and started to panic.

The shower is a terrible place to panic. I felt dizzy, lightheasdy and unsteady on my feet. Add to this a slippery wet surface, being nude and vulnerable....it was bad. In therapy, I am supposed to rate my anxiety/panic on a scal of 0-10. I called this an 8.

I got out of the shower and laid down. I couldn't calm down at all. I took an ativan, and I called The Ex-Boyfriend.
I felt an overwhelming send of dispair. Not just at the present moment of panicking, but overall. I felt like I simply could not go to work, yet, I felt like I had no choice. Moreover, I felt like I just couldn't keep doing it. It was all too much, facing my anxiety in every thing I do-going to work, doing laundry, going to the bank, to the CVS, everything. I just wanted to give up-crawl under the covers and resolve myself to being housebound.

I eventually made it to work, and the day went find, but I still have some residual feeling that everything is too hard, too much of a struggle. I just want to be normal.

Returning to the scene of the crime...

Or, um, the scene of the panic attack.

I had a major attack in CVS back in June.

Today was the first day I was able to go in by myself.

I survived!

How do you mend a broken heart?

When the person who broke your heart is still around?

Before I go any further, this is not a creepy stalking issue, so calm down!

He calls me every day. He tells me he loves me. He tells me that I'm the only one he wants. Today he expressed a desire for "quality time." He suggested theater or a museum. He asked what I wanted for Christmas.

And I just don't know. There are specific areas of our relationship that I was very unhappy with (like....posting a personal ad!). I want him to take responsibility for the actions, not to give me an excuse and the phrase "I'm flawed." That's not enough. None of it is.

I'm willing to give the friendship a chance, but anything more? It's not what I want. Not with these conditions. If he were to change, if we were to change, then maybe. But not right now.

Even more interesting....

After I posted this I visited by that same IP address. Tried again, and was able to get onto this website.

But today I can't.

So, I'm really not sure....

Interesting

Since I made this post, I've not been able to get onto this website. I get a "Cannot find server or DNS Error" message.

I do know that my post was visited by someone from that domain name, and found my post from a blogsearch for references to that website.

Is it possible that they have blocked my IP address? Or is it a simple coincidence?

I have been able to visit that site from another computer, so it does make me wonder.....

Aftermath

He cancelled his ad.

We broke up anyway.

He said that he only wanted to make friends, that he wasn't going behind my back. But, he was too defensive. I can't trust him anymore.

The breakup was mutual, sort of. He told me that he felt alone and needed to be alone, but that I am still his "best friend."

I told him that we were beyond that. That I didn't know if I wanted him in my life, in any capacity. If he wants me to remain in his life. he needs to give me a reason. He needs to rebuild my trust and faith. I don't know how, of if that can happen.

What I really want is for him to be a different person, and I know that's not possible. I want him to be the person I though he was, or the person I wanted him to be. Someone I could trust, someone I believed in, some one who would be there for me.

I do understand him, and I do understand where the lies and deception came from. He has a problem with depression and self-esteem. This doesn't give him a free pass, though.

He seems to think that if he is alone for awhile and deals with his problems, then we can have a better relationship. I however, don't believe that he will deal with his problems.

I know I'm better off without a person I can't trust. But I still miss what I thought we had. I feel a loss for what we won't have in the future. I know that I'm better off being strong for myself.

But it still sucks.